A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
