I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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