quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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