What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
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