If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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