I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
