Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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