You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
