if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
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