what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
