I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize