I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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