I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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