Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
