my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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