porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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