Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
