Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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