Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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