I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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