True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
