my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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