I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Randomize
