I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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