Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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