I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
