I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize