Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
