omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
