I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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