I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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