8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
