True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
So I just went to clothing optional bar
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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