Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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