Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
