Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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