im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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