Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
