first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
