I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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