According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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