somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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