So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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