Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
