bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
