your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
