put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize