I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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