There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
