i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
This can only be settled by a dance off.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
