I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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