Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
