There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
