I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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