$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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