i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize