Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
