I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
My vagina is officially offended.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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