ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
