i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
