I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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