so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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